"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
-Audrey Hepburn
Life is so full of ups and downs. Lots of curves & bumps on this journey that we call life. I am sure finding that out!
Those 3 little little words.... I AM Human,
keep running through my head the last couple of months. It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Cancer. This year has been full of surgeries, biopsies, tests, and treatments. I honestly feel like a pin cushion or some weird lab experiment. I was talking with my husband a few weeks ago and I was trying to explain how the first few months I felt like I was in a boat caught up in the waves. I was zooming along just watching everything. However, slowly the boat slowed down and now I feel like the waves of my reality are splashing up over me. I am not just watching someone who has Cancer, I am that person who has Cancer! In the end of September that reality hit me hard. How could I, a 45 year old me, have this disease, and yes it's a disease, a disease that so many of my family members have gotten in the past and sadly passed away. Just a few years ago my family was SO shocked when my dad all of a sudden passed away of Cancer after not being sick a day in his life! Needless to say, the last few years have felt like a dream. Too be honest, it has been hard for me to blog the last few months because I don't want to sound sad. I want to be happy. I want to be cheerful and not fake. And don't get me wrong....I do have faith and for the most part, I am happy. But, there are days, when I really don't feel good. Living with chronic pain is hard as so many people know. I also find it hard now because I have a little word, 'Cancer', that has inhabited my head. No matter how hard that I shake my head, I can't rattle that word out of my head! It is like I am stuck with a little dark shadow... And it is with me wherever I go. And it is always there. SO I am SO grateful for my art. When things are bringing me down I escape to my studio and loose myself in beautiful colors, paints and inks. In an hour or two I can feel my heart and soul start to rejuvenate! It is so healing! I can be me. I am just me. Nothing else. And that is so freeing!
It doesn't matter if I am doodling, sketching, painting or working on a deadline...I can loose myself for a while. I can escape my body and not think about what is going on for a while.
Yesterday
Well, it was a very long day yesterday. I saw my doctor to go over all the results from Decembers surgeries and biopsies and treatments. It appears that they found a problem in another area when they did my surgery in December. So now they are ordering other more tests and procedures to make sure Cancer isnt spreading to my liver, throat, stomach, pancreas, thyroid ..... The next couple of months are going to be full of a lot of hospital trips it seems. So basically , I am starting to feel like a lab rat!! Haha!! Oh my goodness!!! My goodness our bodies sometimes!!! I am in good spirits. I am just a little tired of all the medical stuff. I am SO grateful for my career, art, faith , family ; friends . It keeps me going!! So, right now my journey is far from over.
So many times during that last year, when I have felt scared or sad, frustrated or in pain, He has touched my heart and given me HOPE! I am so grateful for faith and prayer! It protects and guides me. I am also grateful for all of you who have reached out to me and my family. Your kindness and love has meant more then I can tell you. Many times when I have wished with all my heart that I could talk to my mom or feel her comforting hug, I would feel so sad knowing I couldn't share this with her and then next thing I know is out of the blue I get a message, letter, or email with comforting words from me of you my beautiful friends! I can't tell you how much your love has meant to me! Thank-you!
Choose Joy
Take time to love every minute! Life is so precious. So, slow down and enjoy the simple things. Remember, you are human. Be kind to yourself! You so deserve it.
It will be a super exciting art year for me.... I can't wait to get this journey started. Color and art are so healing! Thank-you for you love and continued support! I can't tell you how much you love and support means to me!!
Hugs,
Susan xo
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Dear Susan you are awesome and an inspiration to many. You have no idea how much you help other people. I battle with my own illness and the number of times I've been down with a bit of self indulgent wallowing you pick me up with a funny or uplifting post. You do that for me and I am so grateful that I know you. Keep going, keep fighting, keep being positive. Much love, Dee xxx
ReplyDeleteDear Dee,
DeleteThank-you so much my friend! your words really mean a lot to me sweet girl! I wish I could give you a great big hug! I feel that same about you! Thank-you! MWAH! xoxo
Dear Lovely Susan....I am sitting here with tears running down my cheeks. I cry for you and I cry for the man I love who was diagnosed 3 years ago. I will say.....BLESS GOD he was given a clean bill yesterday...clean PET scan and clean blood!He has beat the beast for a second time!!
ReplyDeleteYOU ARE an INSPIRATION! I LOVE your positive words and your BEAUTIFUL soul....creating is the BEST THOUGHT DIVERTER I know of!!! BIG HUGZ sweet Lady....you will be in my thoughts & prayers!!
Oh Lynne!!! That is SO AWESOME!!!!!!!! I am SO happy for the both of you! I wish that I could give you a giant BIG hug!!!! Thank-you for your kind words. You are AWESOME! BIG {hugs} xoxo
DeleteOh Susan, how Your words inspire me and how they touch a place in my soul that was dark and heavy until your sharing entered it. Your amazing art has resonated with me since the very first day I came across Your Unity stamp set "Create Your Day" and following you on your Art journey has given me the courage to pursue my own. You are in my thoughts and prayers daily and you hold a place of high esteem in my art world. Thank you for the wonderful gift of YOU and your sharing of this very personal and difficult journey. ((((Hugs)))) your friend Lynne
ReplyDeleteLynne.... You are AMAZING!!!! You always make me smile and I thank you for that! And your art....well, you are just INCREDIBLE!!!! Thank-you for being an amazing friend and always so supportive! i cant tell you how much that means to me. LUV ya!!! xo
DeleteTruly a beautiful post from an incredibly caring/loving person - YOU Susan. Alas, since I just started painting a year ago... I have only been following you for that short time. However, the minute I saw your art and read your blog posts... I was touched by your heart and your art. I believe that God has a plan for all of us and it gives me more courage when I put my faith in His plan. So.... I am praying and believing that God's plan for you is to continue to bless us all with your life, your thoughts, your art and your love. Praying and believing.... as well as sending you BUNCHES and BUNCHES of love... j.
ReplyDeleteThank-you so much sweet girl. Your words are beautiful and I really agree with you. God does have a plan doesn't He. How cool is that! :) I have peeked at your artwork and its beautiful. Isn't art a wonderful and healing blessing!? I LOVE it! Thank-you for your kindness!
DeleteSusan xo
Hugs hugs. Keeping you in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThank-you SO much my sweet friend! {hugs} xo
DeleteSuasan I am so sorry that you have to go through all of this. What worked for me when I was going through my cancer was a sense of humour, I had to laugh or I would have been a mess. It was me and my cancer off to the beach; off the park, playing with my grandchildren, I think that made the waitting for treatment bearable. I did try to pull the cancer card a few times to get out of things I didn't want to do, but my kids and husband didn't give me any passess. I had to give up all control to God and my doctors, they were in the drivers seat. Not I! I wish nothing but the best for you and pray God helps you your journey! Hugs Debbie
ReplyDeleteHaHa! You are SO right Debbie! Laughter is the BEST medicine!!!! I think people think that I am crazy sometime because of my sense of humor but that is what keeps me sane! Thank-you for your awesome words! You are AMAZING! {hugs}xoxo
DeleteYour story hits me to the core, I have felt the exact same way before. You are handling it beautifully. You are so very strong Susan and you have been such an inspiration to me and others. Art is such a healing craft, no matter what it is.. even if you can't paint the motion and mindless escape it provides is so very freeing. I also get that feeling at the ocean. I can look out at the Olympic Mountains across the strait of Juan de Fuca and my mind empties and a calm state is achieved. We stand with you sending you strength, love and understanding. Much Lovexx Peggy
ReplyDeleteBIG{hugs}Peggy.... You understanding helps SO much. Just knowing that someone kinda understands how I feel makes me feel not quite so lonely. Even though I am not physically lonely, mentally it can be a challenge some days. And you are so right about art and the ocean. Calming isnt it. NAture is so wonderful. LUV ya. xoxo
Delete"choose joy" always!!! Praying for you :)
ReplyDeleteThank-you SO much Connie! BIG{hugs}xoxo
DeleteLove you....my sweet sweet friend . You are in my heart and prayers. Always. When I was at CHA, YOu were there with ME. You are a part of us all.
ReplyDeleteFIGHT BRAVE WARRIOR. FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT,
Disappear into your art and share your heart with everyone! Share how brave you are...how fearless you truly are. An inspiration to everyone. Fight...fight...fight...
oh Gail...... you are AWESOME!!!!!!!!
Deleteyou betcha, I will FIGHT!!!
Thank-you for being AMAZING!!! Love you! xoxo
It was when I surrendered that I started getting better. I finally realized that I could not FIGHT cancer. It was bigger then me.
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard to allow yourself to be down, sad, mad etc... I felt the same way.
I have so much to be grateful for. What right do I have to complain. It can always be worse. Blah,blah,blah....sometimes it's alright to be down. Feel all the feelings. Don't feel guilty for not being positive all the time. It is a scary, crappy journey to be on. The love of your friends, family and art will hopefully make this journey just a tiny bit easier. Sending big cyber hugs to you.
Tiffany...you are SO right!!!
DeleteSometimes I just have to be.... well, HUMAN!
The good, the bad, and the ugly. Haha!
Thank-you sweet girl! You are truly amazing!!!! BIG{hugs}back! xoxo
Do what you need to do Susan...Grab precious minutes! Don't hold your feelings back. Know that there are many people battling just like you - major stuff starts here next week! It's your journey but you are not alone. Sending you a huge hug from our beautiful part of the world.
ReplyDeleteJulie - Australia
Sweet Julie,
DeleteThank-you SO much for you love and friendship. It means that world to me sweet girl!!
LUV ya lots! {hugs} from our cold, white, & snowy part of the world :)
Sweet girl, sometimes there are no words. I am just sending you a huge hug. Okay, two huge hugs!
ReplyDeleteYou are amazing and God has His special purpose for you. You have touched so many people with your faith and your journey. Thanks for sharing yourself, your art and your positive attitude with us all. Life isn't always what we would hope for it to be ... But even at its most challenging, it is still beautiful. Sending hugs and prayers to you and yours! <3
ReplyDelete