"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"
Life is so full of ups and downs. Lots of curves & bumps on this journey that we call life. I am sure finding that out!
Those 3 little little words.... I AM Human,
keep running through my head the last couple of months. It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Cancer. This year has been full of surgeries, biopsies, tests, and treatments. I honestly feel like a pin cushion or some weird lab experiment. I was talking with my husband a few weeks ago and I was trying to explain how the first few months I felt like I was in a boat caught up in the waves. I was zooming along just watching everything. However, slowly the boat slowed down and now I feel like the waves of my reality are splashing up over me. I am not just watching someone who has Cancer, I am that person who has Cancer! In the end of September that reality hit me hard. How could I, a 45 year old me, have this disease, and yes it's a disease, a disease that so many of my family members have gotten in the past and sadly passed away. Just a few years ago my family was SO shocked when my dad all of a sudden passed away of Cancer after not being sick a day in his life! Needless to say, the last few years have felt like a dream. Too be honest, it has been hard for me to blog the last few months because I don't want to sound sad. I want to be happy. I want to be cheerful and not fake. And don't get me wrong....I do have faith and for the most part, I am happy. But, there are days, when I really don't feel good. Living with chronic pain is hard as so many people know. I also find it hard now because I have a little word, 'Cancer', that has inhabited my head. No matter how hard that I shake my head, I can't rattle that word out of my head! It is like I am stuck with a little dark shadow... And it is with me wherever I go. And it is always there. SO I am SO grateful for my art. When things are bringing me down I escape to my studio and loose myself in beautiful colors, paints and inks. In an hour or two I can feel my heart and soul start to rejuvenate! It is so healing! I can be me. I am just me. Nothing else. And that is so freeing!
It doesn't matter if I am doodling, sketching, painting or working on a deadline...I can loose myself for a while. I can escape my body and not think about what is going on for a while.
Well, it was a very long day yesterday. I saw my doctor to go over all the results from Decembers surgeries and biopsies and treatments. It appears that they found a problem in another area when they did my surgery in December. So now they are ordering other more tests and procedures to make sure Cancer isnt spreading to my liver, throat, stomach, pancreas, thyroid ..... The next couple of months are going to be full of a lot of hospital trips it seems. So basically , I am starting to feel like a lab rat!! Haha!! Oh my goodness!!! My goodness our bodies sometimes!!! I am in good spirits. I am just a little tired of all the medical stuff. I am SO grateful for my career, art, faith , family ; friends . It keeps me going!! So, right now my journey is far from over.
So many times during that last year, when I have felt scared or sad, frustrated or in pain, He has touched my heart and given me HOPE! I am so grateful for faith and prayer! It protects and guides me. I am also grateful for all of you who have reached out to me and my family. Your kindness and love has meant more then I can tell you. Many times when I have wished with all my heart that I could talk to my mom or feel her comforting hug, I would feel so sad knowing I couldn't share this with her and then next thing I know is out of the blue I get a message, letter, or email with comforting words from me of you my beautiful friends! I can't tell you how much your love has meant to me! Thank-you!
Take time to love every minute! Life is so precious. So, slow down and enjoy the simple things. Remember, you are human. Be kind to yourself! You so deserve it.
It will be a super exciting art year for me.... I can't wait to get this journey started. Color and art are so healing! Thank-you for you love and continued support! I can't tell you how much you love and support means to me!!