Gotta have Faith

"Nothing is impossible, the word itself says 'I'm possible'!"

-Audrey Hepburn

Life is so full of ups and downs. Lots of curves & bumps on this journey that we call life. I am sure finding that out!

Those 3 little little words.... I AM Human,

keep running through my head the last couple of months. It has been a year since I was diagnosed with Cancer. This year has been full of surgeries, biopsies, tests, and treatments. I honestly feel like a pin cushion or some weird lab experiment. I was talking with my husband a few weeks ago and I was trying to explain how the first few months I felt like I was in a boat caught up in the waves. I was zooming along just watching everything. However, slowly the boat slowed down and now I feel like the waves of my reality are splashing up over me. I am not just watching someone who has Cancer, I am that person who has Cancer! In the end of September that reality hit me hard. How could I, a 45 year old me, have this disease, and yes it's a disease, a disease that so many of my family members have gotten in the past and sadly passed away. Just a few years ago my family was SO shocked when my dad all of a sudden passed away of Cancer after not being sick a day in his life! Needless to say, the last few years have felt like a dream. Too be honest, it has been hard for me to blog the last few months because I don't want to sound sad. I want to be happy. I want to be cheerful and not fake. And don't get me wrong....I do have faith and for the most part, I am happy. But, there are days, when I really don't feel good. Living with chronic pain is hard as so many people know. I also find it hard now because I have a little word, 'Cancer', that has inhabited my head. No matter how hard that I shake my head, I can't rattle that word out of my head! It is like I am stuck with a little dark shadow... And it is with me wherever I go. And it is always there. SO I am SO grateful for my art. When things are bringing me down I escape to my studio and loose myself in beautiful colors, paints and inks. In an hour or two I can feel my heart and soul start to rejuvenate! It is so healing! I can be me. I am just me. Nothing else. And that is so freeing!

It doesn't matter if I am doodling, sketching, painting or working on a deadline...I can loose myself for a while. I can escape my body and not think about what is going on for a while.

Yesterday

Well, it was a very long day yesterday. I saw my doctor to go over all the results from Decembers surgeries and biopsies and treatments. It appears that they found a problem in another area when they did my surgery in December. So now they are ordering other more tests and procedures to make sure Cancer isnt spreading to my liver, throat, stomach, pancreas, thyroid ..... The next couple of months are going to be full of a lot of hospital trips it seems. So basically , I am starting to feel like a lab rat!! Haha!! Oh my goodness!!! My goodness our bodies sometimes!!! I am in good spirits. I am just a little tired of all the medical stuff. I am SO grateful for my career, art, faith , family ; friends . It keeps me going!! So, right now my journey is far from over.

So many times during that last year, when I have felt scared or sad, frustrated or in pain, He has touched my heart and given me HOPE! I am so grateful for faith and prayer! It protects and guides me. I am also grateful for all of you who have reached out to me and my family. Your kindness and love has meant more then I can tell you. Many times when I have wished with all my heart that I could talk to my mom or feel her comforting hug, I would feel so sad knowing I couldn't share this with her and then next thing I know is out of the blue I get a message, letter, or email with comforting words from me of you my beautiful friends! I can't tell you how much your love has meant to me! Thank-you!

Choose Joy

Take time to love every minute! Life is so precious. So, slow down and enjoy the simple things. Remember, you are human. Be kind to yourself! You so deserve it.

It will be a super exciting art year for me.... I can't wait to get this journey started. Color and art are so healing! Thank-you for you love and continued support! I can't tell you how much you love and support means to me!!

Hugs,

Susan xo

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Everyday is a Blessing

Every day is a blessing. Everyday is a challenge. Everyday is an Adventure.

I have wanted to blog, to write down my feelings. I often have sat down over the last few months and scribble a word here, jotted down a sentence there, but it just didn't feel right. I was tired of hearing my own words. My mind is numb and tired. My hands are fine, most of the time and that is why I am happiest to sit in my studio with some paints or pastels and inks and just draw and create my feelings.

I don't even know what to say. The last few months have been hard. I find myself building a cacoon around myself as I try to build myself up. Eight months ago I never imagined how hard this journey is. The physical pain, the mental pain, and spiritual pain. At times the loneliness of this journey almost suffocates me. I feel like I must carry on each day and put a smile on my face but deep inside me I wish my mother was here to hold me and to tell me the it is going to be alright. I feel like such a small child at times. So scared and lonely. It is a time of uncertainty and not knowing. At one time in my life, I had everything planned out, I think I was 18 at the time, This is what my plan looked like: go to University, meet a wonderful man, get married, have a family, work on my career and my company, watch our kiddos grow, go on a mission with my hubbie, enjoy lots and lots of grandchildren, grow old with my hubbie and travel the world with him. Yup, I don't ever remember writing in there , 'get cancer.' It is amazing how life just throws you curve balls sometimes . Sometimes it can weigh heavy on my shoulders.  And then I remember to say a little prayer and I look at all the blessings that I do have. That really does help quite a bit. It helps a lot!! It helps me to focus on the positive things!

Create to Live!

I really do have to take time to create time each day to create each day. It heals my heart. I go in for surgery, biopsies, and treatment every couple months. I am waiting right now for my next kidney surgery to be booked. So,I make sure I have lots of new and fun projects to keep my mind busy and my heart happy.

Cancer is hard. It is scary. It is lonely. It is live changing.
Cancer is so full of uncertainties. I am told I have a cancer that is reoccurring. Or in other words it is  a disease that I will be monitoring and trying to keep on top off the rest of my life, how ever long that might be. I have a hard enough time keeping on top of my housework. Good grief. And, to be honest with you, I never thought of Cancer as a disease: it was just Cancer. So, when I heard it referred to as a disease that made it sound even yuckier. I like to think C is for Cookie. Yes, those are the types of mind games that I play. If I don't, I can get feeling very sad and dark because I have a mind that won't stop thinking. Darn my creative mind. Sometimes is it SUCH a curse! I really have had to dig deep the last few months. I don't make it out to church much because usually in the mornings I don't feel well until early afternoon. I miss seeing people. But, you can see how people treat you differently and that makes me sad. I am not contagious people and in the words of Monty Python, "I'm not dead yet!"  Heck, I will like live until I am 190! A little old eccentric lady with glitter in her hair, paint and ink all over her and cats all over her studio! Haha! Picture that! Ok, maybe don't picture that!

I am strong. I can do this. But I am human so I have my ups and my downs. My happy days and my times full of tears. Life is beautiful! Life is hard but oh, what a blessing this journey is!

This year I am working hard in my studio doing what I love to do. Working on deadlines for magazines, new products , and maybe even a book or two. It keeps my mind free and happy. And I have a wonderful design team that is such a joy to work with.

Thank-you for your love and support! I could never say thank-you enough! You messages, letters, phones calls, pictures.... It helps me SO much! Your friendship means so much! Every positive word and thought!
Thank-you for being amazing! 

Hugs,

Susan xo

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