Every day is a blessing. Everyday is a challenge. Everyday is an Adventure.
I have wanted to blog, to write down my feelings. I often have sat down over the last few months and scribble a word here, jotted down a sentence there, but it just didn't feel right. I was tired of hearing my own words. My mind is numb and tired. My hands are fine, most of the time and that is why I am happiest to sit in my studio with some paints or pastels and inks and just draw and create my feelings.
I don't even know what to say. The last few months have been hard. I find myself building a cacoon around myself as I try to build myself up. Eight months ago I never imagined how hard this journey is. The physical pain, the mental pain, and spiritual pain. At times the loneliness of this journey almost suffocates me. I feel like I must carry on each day and put a smile on my face but deep inside me I wish my mother was here to hold me and to tell me the it is going to be alright. I feel like such a small child at times. So scared and lonely. It is a time of uncertainty and not knowing. At one time in my life, I had everything planned out, I think I was 18 at the time, This is what my plan looked like: go to University, meet a wonderful man, get married, have a family, work on my career and my company, watch our kiddos grow, go on a mission with my hubbie, enjoy lots and lots of grandchildren, grow old with my hubbie and travel the world with him. Yup, I don't ever remember writing in there , 'get cancer.' It is amazing how life just throws you curve balls sometimes . Sometimes it can weigh heavy on my shoulders. And then I remember to say a little prayer and I look at all the blessings that I do have. That really does help quite a bit. It helps a lot!! It helps me to focus on the positive things!
Create to Live!
I really do have to take time to create time each day to create each day. It heals my heart. I go in for surgery, biopsies, and treatment every couple months. I am waiting right now for my next kidney surgery to be booked. So,I make sure I have lots of new and fun projects to keep my mind busy and my heart happy.
Cancer is hard. It is scary. It is lonely. It is live changing.
Cancer is so full of uncertainties. I am told I have a cancer that is reoccurring. Or in other words it is a disease that I will be monitoring and trying to keep on top off the rest of my life, how ever long that might be. I have a hard enough time keeping on top of my housework. Good grief. And, to be honest with you, I never thought of Cancer as a disease: it was just Cancer. So, when I heard it referred to as a disease that made it sound even yuckier. I like to think C is for Cookie. Yes, those are the types of mind games that I play. If I don't, I can get feeling very sad and dark because I have a mind that won't stop thinking. Darn my creative mind. Sometimes is it SUCH a curse! I really have had to dig deep the last few months. I don't make it out to church much because usually in the mornings I don't feel well until early afternoon. I miss seeing people. But, you can see how people treat you differently and that makes me sad. I am not contagious people and in the words of Monty Python, "I'm not dead yet!" Heck, I will like live until I am 190! A little old eccentric lady with glitter in her hair, paint and ink all over her and cats all over her studio! Haha! Picture that! Ok, maybe don't picture that!
Cancer is so full of uncertainties. I am told I have a cancer that is reoccurring. Or in other words it is a disease that I will be monitoring and trying to keep on top off the rest of my life, how ever long that might be. I have a hard enough time keeping on top of my housework. Good grief. And, to be honest with you, I never thought of Cancer as a disease: it was just Cancer. So, when I heard it referred to as a disease that made it sound even yuckier. I like to think C is for Cookie. Yes, those are the types of mind games that I play. If I don't, I can get feeling very sad and dark because I have a mind that won't stop thinking. Darn my creative mind. Sometimes is it SUCH a curse! I really have had to dig deep the last few months. I don't make it out to church much because usually in the mornings I don't feel well until early afternoon. I miss seeing people. But, you can see how people treat you differently and that makes me sad. I am not contagious people and in the words of Monty Python, "I'm not dead yet!" Heck, I will like live until I am 190! A little old eccentric lady with glitter in her hair, paint and ink all over her and cats all over her studio! Haha! Picture that! Ok, maybe don't picture that!
I am strong. I can do this. But I am human so I have my ups and my downs. My happy days and my times full of tears. Life is beautiful! Life is hard but oh, what a blessing this journey is!
This year I am working hard in my studio doing what I love to do. Working on deadlines for magazines, new products , and maybe even a book or two. It keeps my mind free and happy. And I have a wonderful design team that is such a joy to work with.
This year I am working hard in my studio doing what I love to do. Working on deadlines for magazines, new products , and maybe even a book or two. It keeps my mind free and happy. And I have a wonderful design team that is such a joy to work with.
Thank-you for your love and support! I could never say thank-you enough! You messages, letters, phones calls, pictures.... It helps me SO much! Your friendship means so much! Every positive word and thought!
Thank-you for being amazing!
Thank-you for being amazing!
Hugs,
Susan xo
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Be brave and be strong xoxo
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post Susan. You are on my prayer list. Your artwork is a blessing to me. j.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post Susan. You are on my prayer list. Your artwork is a blessing to me. j.
ReplyDelete