It is a snowy & cold day here in Southern Alberta Canada. I am actually enjoying it today. My kiddos are scattered literally all around the globe with Kurt on his mission in Japan, Christopher working and saving for University and his new adventure in Engineering which will start in September, and both the girls are of to Basketball tournaments: Ashley up in Edmonton and Jessica headed over to Regina Saskatchewan. WOW! After the crazy busy year that we have had, it is kind of strange sitting here in a quiet house. So, I am catching up on work, emails, and I am allowing myself to do some reflecting. I can’t believe it, but in a few weeks not only will I turn another year wiser, but my dear mother will have been gone for a year now already. It is kind of strange because on one hand it feels like it can’t be one year already, where on the other hand it feels like she has been gone forever! And here’s a side note to the doctor who was with us when she died last year, no, I really don't think it is a blessing that she died on my birthday at all! If anything I am really dreading my birthday more then I used too! Good Grief!
So….I have been doing some painting. Healing my heart. You see, even though my mom was a beautiful person she had such a troubled heart that she hide deep in side and only a couple people that were very close even knew that. She helped SO many people during her lifetime, BUT she never helped herself or let anyone else help her. I remember standing in my parents home numerous times, especially after my dad died, trying to convince her that she COULD be happy. That she could talk to someone about DEPRESSION and that she didn’t have to live the way that she was….with such sadness locked in her heart.
I recently heard this song and it struck such a chord in my heart. I remember just craving to hear words from her. Oh, she spoke. If anyone knew my mother they knew how friendly and chatty she was. That wasn’t the problem. I craved to hear her the words that she WANTED TO LIVE & that she WANTED to be HAPPY! And as much as I talked and told her stories about the grandkids, and her family, and about all the dreams that she had always told me about …. I still felt her withdraw from me and life and everything around her. I talked to doctors, nurses, people from church, trying to get help. But my mom knew how to put a smile on when a smile was needed.
So… why am I bringing this all up again? It has almost been a year since my Mom has passed away. Well, It has been a crazy year for me. I has been in survivor mode I think…just getting things done: getting my mom and dad’s estate done, which has been long and interesting, got another kiddo onto a mission and got one home, have had some health hiccups, trying to figure out my marriage which we all know marriage can be full of lots of up, downs, and sideways events, getting kiddos graduated and ready for university….. yikes…. taking a DEEP BREATHE now, plus, in there is my business with is so important too me. I love it, but I do need down time. So, when I came home from California and CHA and had some forced down time put on me because of a flu I got there I starting actually thinking of everything that had happened over the last couple of years. YES, I know…that is dangerous! I realised how incredibly sad it all is. Six years ago, we were all standing around mom and dads kitchen talking about and feeling so bad because Marcus’ dad had just passed away from cancer. We were saying how lucky that all us were so healthy. WHO KNEW that in a few months an event, my dad’s very shocking death would change all of our lives forever!
We have to LOVE every minute of our lives! You never know when it will change. And BOY did our lives change!
If you think that someone is suffering from depression, PLEASE get them help!
My mother could be traveling the world, enjoying her nine grandchildren, and doing all those wonderful dreams that she talked about! She just gave up living and gradually her diabetes and the infections in her body got the best of her. The mind is a very powerful thing. I couldn’t reach her. I couldn’t get her to live…..I realised that. She had to WANT to live. However, my heart still aches at that thought, because she was/is my mother and friend and I loved her more then anything and I just wanted her to be happy. At least now I know she isn’t suffering anymore…
So now I will do some reflecting and let my heart do a lot much needed healing!!! I cherish all the good times. The laughter. The silly times. The tears. The smiles. The hugs. The giggles. The home that I once called mine and that still lives in my memories.
[COLOUR + ART+ Music + REFLECTION,PONDER,PRAYER = HEALTHY HEART & SOUL]
If you, a family member or a friend is showing signs of depression please get help. Remember, there is NOTHING to be embarrassed about and life is SO much better when you are smiling!
‘Depression can affect men and women of any age, education, economic or social status. It occurs at an alarming rate. Nearly three million Canadians will experience depression at one point in their life. Most often, it affects people in their working years, between the ages of 24 and 44.” -CMHA
Have a WONDERFUL DAY and remember, you are AWESOME!!!
Hugs,
Susan
(All watecolours were created with Kuretake warecolor palettes and waterbrushes.)
Dear Susan,
ReplyDeleteI have had two people die on my birthday, my grandfather, who raised me until I was nearly 6 and my friend Ben. My grandfather was 80 and died of natural causes and Ben was only 32 when he ended his own life.
It was hard the first few years after my grandfather passed, especially since his wife my beloved grandmother, and my dad, for whom I had such ambivalent emotions, passed away within 18 months of my grandpa. Then, less than 6 months later, my youngest brother was paralysed in a motorcycle accident. He was only 15. Life was very hard during those months. I was in my early 20s and had no family nearby. My mother and brothers were in Europe, my sister in the Caribbean while I was in Montreal. Fortunately, I was surrounded by some very special friends.
My friend Ben dying on my birthday a few years later, shortly after losing my home to fire and being divorced after a 20 year relationship, created another very low point in my life. But I learned some valuable lessons too. I learned that life is way shorter than we would wish it to be, but that we are blessed if we live everyday the best way we are able to. I learned to focus on my blessings and not my losses. I learned to forgive myself for all the things I might have done to be a better granddaughter, daughter, sister and friend and to do better going forward. I learned that when I start feeling really sad, I only have to remember how much harder other people's lives are. I learned that our only true mission in life is to leave our bit of the world better than it was before we set foot it in and that is especially true when it comes to how we help our children become good people. I learned to believe that my grandpa dying on my birthday was a way to celebrate our special bond forever. I learned to honor my friend Ben's memory. In life he feared being forgotten, but he never will be as long as I celebrate a birthday. For the record, I am far from being finished learning and I hope that I am never foolish enough to think that i know enough to stop.
So dear Susan, here is what I wish for you as you celebrate your first birthday without your mom. I hope that you find peace, love and enough joy in your heart to celebrate the special bond you had with her this year and for many, many years to come. I know that you can believe that she will always be just a breath, a prayer away, celebrating it with you.
Big Hugs,
M-C