It is a snowy & cold day here in Southern Alberta Canada. I am actually enjoying it today. My kiddos are scattered literally all around the globe with Kurt on his mission in Japan, Christopher working and saving for University and his new adventure in Engineering which will start in September, and both the girls are of to Basketball tournaments: Ashley up in Edmonton and Jessica headed over to Regina Saskatchewan. WOW! After the crazy busy year that we have had, it is kind of strange sitting here in a quiet house. So, I am catching up on work, emails, and I am allowing myself to do some reflecting. I can’t believe it, but in a few weeks not only will I turn another year wiser, but my dear mother will have been gone for a year now already. It is kind of strange because on one hand it feels like it can’t be one year already, where on the other hand it feels like she has been gone forever! And here’s a side note to the doctor who was with us when she died last year, no, I really don't think it is a blessing that she died on my birthday at all! If anything I am really dreading my birthday more then I used too! Good Grief!
So….I have been doing some painting. Healing my heart. You see, even though my mom was a beautiful person she had such a troubled heart that she hide deep in side and only a couple people that were very close even knew that. She helped SO many people during her lifetime, BUT she never helped herself or let anyone else help her. I remember standing in my parents home numerous times, especially after my dad died, trying to convince her that she COULD be happy. That she could talk to someone about DEPRESSION and that she didn’t have to live the way that she was….with such sadness locked in her heart.
I recently heard this song and it struck such a chord in my heart. I remember just craving to hear words from her. Oh, she spoke. If anyone knew my mother they knew how friendly and chatty she was. That wasn’t the problem. I craved to hear her the words that she WANTED TO LIVE & that she WANTED to be HAPPY! And as much as I talked and told her stories about the grandkids, and her family, and about all the dreams that she had always told me about …. I still felt her withdraw from me and life and everything around her. I talked to doctors, nurses, people from church, trying to get help. But my mom knew how to put a smile on when a smile was needed.
So… why am I bringing this all up again? It has almost been a year since my Mom has passed away. Well, It has been a crazy year for me. I has been in survivor mode I think…just getting things done: getting my mom and dad’s estate done, which has been long and interesting, got another kiddo onto a mission and got one home, have had some health hiccups, trying to figure out my marriage which we all know marriage can be full of lots of up, downs, and sideways events, getting kiddos graduated and ready for university….. yikes…. taking a DEEP BREATHE now, plus, in there is my business with is so important too me. I love it, but I do need down time. So, when I came home from California and CHA and had some forced down time put on me because of a flu I got there I starting actually thinking of everything that had happened over the last couple of years. YES, I know…that is dangerous! I realised how incredibly sad it all is. Six years ago, we were all standing around mom and dads kitchen talking about and feeling so bad because Marcus’ dad had just passed away from cancer. We were saying how lucky that all us were so healthy. WHO KNEW that in a few months an event, my dad’s very shocking death would change all of our lives forever!
We have to LOVE every minute of our lives! You never know when it will change. And BOY did our lives change!
If you think that someone is suffering from depression, PLEASE get them help!
My mother could be traveling the world, enjoying her nine grandchildren, and doing all those wonderful dreams that she talked about! She just gave up living and gradually her diabetes and the infections in her body got the best of her. The mind is a very powerful thing. I couldn’t reach her. I couldn’t get her to live…..I realised that. She had to WANT to live. However, my heart still aches at that thought, because she was/is my mother and friend and I loved her more then anything and I just wanted her to be happy. At least now I know she isn’t suffering anymore…
So now I will do some reflecting and let my heart do a lot much needed healing!!! I cherish all the good times. The laughter. The silly times. The tears. The smiles. The hugs. The giggles. The home that I once called mine and that still lives in my memories.
[COLOUR + ART+ Music + REFLECTION,PONDER,PRAYER = HEALTHY HEART & SOUL]
If you, a family member or a friend is showing signs of depression please get help. Remember, there is NOTHING to be embarrassed about and life is SO much better when you are smiling!
‘Depression can affect men and women of any age, education, economic or social status. It occurs at an alarming rate. Nearly three million Canadians will experience depression at one point in their life. Most often, it affects people in their working years, between the ages of 24 and 44.” -CMHA
Have a WONDERFUL DAY and remember, you are AWESOME!!!
Hugs,
Susan
(All watecolours were created with Kuretake warecolor palettes and waterbrushes.)
